Forget and Forgive

Anger hurts, anger kills. Forgiveness is a strongly advocated virtue, but realistically, how much can we, ordinary human beings, forget and forgive?

I recently watched a Oprah show on medical misdiagnosis that made me ponder on my own thresholds and implicit boundaries for forgetting and forgiving.

A young woman came on the show and told her story. She had had a mastectomy and had 24 lymph nodes removed based on a biopsy report, which later turned out to be false (incorrect manual slide switch with another patient). The irony is that although her biopsy report had indicated cancer, it was nowhere to be found on her mammograms and ultrasound reports, and instead of doing a deep dive into that anomaly, her doctors deduced that she had a rare form of cancer which was showing up on her slide, but not on the imaging. In retrospect it appears that there was a strong opportunity of discovering the manual error, but it wasn't, because her medical team did not probe enough.

As a woman, I can empathize in a large way with the mental and physical trauma of ANY woman, who has to go under the knife and have her breast removed, even when she knows that it is the only way to save her life, but to endure that uberly painful irreversible process and then learn that it was based on an incorrect diagnosis, and therefore all a terrible waste? Would I ever be able to forgive something like that? My first thought was No- this one would never have passed my own litmus test. Such gross neglect and mis-treatment is equivalent to a heinous crime, and I would not consider it worth the dignity of forgiveness.

The woman on the show however, said she was so relieved to know that she did not have breast cancer, she was overjoyed, and although she was not asked the specific question, it appeared that she had actually forgiven. 

I was initially stunned with her ability to forgive, which seemed almost superhuman, but she exhibited every quality of the ubiquitous ordinary woman- a mother, a wife, one who had been utterly scared by the threats of cancer, and who was angry at first at the misdiagnosis, but who ultimately acquired the discipline and strength to forgive, even though she certainly did not forget. 

I have to admit that the stranger on the show, with her honest recount, has made me reconsider, and essentially made me believe that the capacity to forget and forgive is stretchable- that a human being does not live his or her entire life with one fixed threshold- that we should all be prepared to rise to the occasion when it demands it, and adjust the boundaries of our willingness to forgive.

The art of managing connections

Managing connections is no longer what it used to be. 

When I was growing up in Eastern India, my mother used to keep in touch with her parents by writing letters on yellow postcards and blue inland letters, even tough they lived just a few miles away. Phone calls were rare, and Telex was for emergencies. When my father went out of town on day trips, we did not expect to hear from him throughout the day. If he did not arrive at a certain time, we just assumed that the train was late, or something else must have held him back, and there was always the unwavering faith that everything was all right. Back then, we did not feel the need to stay connected all the time...

The scenario has changed rapidly in the past three decades, especially in the last one. 10 years back I was happy with the ability to connect via email, then became enamored with Instant Messaging, and exhilarated to discover the ability of Video chatting. Gradually, but surely, phone calls became really affordable, usage of mobile phones exponentially increased, and we became addicted to staying more and more connected. I now feel comfortable with the assurance that from thousands on miles away, I am able to access my parents almost at any time, and anywhere. My Blackberry is like an essential and inseparable part of me- the texting, calling, emailing have all become second habit. Additionally, now I am on Googlegroups , Linked, Orkut, Twitter, Plaxo, Ning(several different networks on Ning) and Facebook, Hi5 and Naymz. 

It is mind-boggling, what we human beings allow ourselves to get used to.

All these connections mean that now I have to remember to do so much more- to post my reading updates on LinkedIn, to mention the Mamma Mia musical that we went to on last Saturday on Twitter, to  reply to the Orkut scrap that my girlfriend from California sent, and to write on the Facebook Wall of my long-lost recently-found friend from college, to follow-up on the Plaxo birthday notification on my co-worker...the list goes on...If I add new pictures on Orkut, I must remember to update it on Facebook too...

Increasingly it looks like I need a central portal to manage all these connections, or I am at a serious risk of sleep deprivation! I have a strong feeling that such a service is on its way!

MADD for Ignition Locks

Motorists convicted of driving drunk had to install breath-monitoring gadgets in their cars under new laws that took effect in early January 2009.

The ignition interlocks prevent engines from starting until drivers blow into the alcohol detectors to prove they're sober.

Alaska, Colorado, Illinois, Nebraska and Washington state began enforcing the law on Jan. 1 requiring the devices for all motorists convicted of first-time drunken driving. South Carolina began requiring them for repeat offenders.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) has been conducting a nationwide campaign to mandate ignition locks for anyone convicted of drunken driving, claiming doing so would save thousands of lives.

Other states with similar laws include New Mexico, Arizona and Louisiana.

Proponents of interlock laws say studies back their approach. They cite a 2008 study by the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation that found that in New Mexico, the first state to mandate the use of interlock devices in 2005,  it has helped decrease repeat offenses by approximately two-thirds.

MADD also points to figures showing one-third of all drunken drivers have a prior DUI conviction.

Not everyone is as enthusiastic. One of the staunchest critics of interlock laws for first-time offenders is the Washington-based American Beverage Institute, a trade association representing restaurants and retailers.

ABI managing director Sarah Longwell said the group backs interlock laws targeting repeat offenders and those arrested with high blood-alcohol levels.

But she said laws advocated by MADD don't allow judges to distinguish between those who have a few drinks and go just over the 0.08 blood-alcohol legal limit and those who go way over.

"We want sensible alcohol policies," she said. "We want 10 people to be able to come in and have one drink and not one person to come in and have 10."

She said current interlock laws could lead to more draconian measures.

Slumdog Millionaire- what makes it click?

The 81st Academy Awards were watched by a record number of Indians across the globe. The reason was a two-letter word- Slumdog Millionaire. 

The film was made by the British director Danny Boyle and funded by an European company, but it is a film about India, and the Indian connections are so strong, that most people consider Slumdog to be an Indian film. The story, Q&A, was written by an Indian, Vikas Swarup, it was filmed completely in Mumbai, India, the characters and cast are all Indian, and many of the crew members are Indian. Three Indians - A. R. Rehman, Gulzar and Resul Pookutty, have won individual Academy Honors. The film went on to win 8 out of the 10 Oscar nominations including Best Music, Best Director and Best film, and although there were no Best Actor or Best Supporting actor nominations, the lead actors Dev Patel and Freida Pinto are now household names, and their younger counterparts, some actual residents of Indian slums, have won the hearts of millions across the globe with their very authentic, fearless portrayal of the characters.

The film has sparked some negative reactions in India, where many, including high-profile film director Priyadarshan and popular actress Preity Zinta have slammed it- their outrage primarily centered around concerns of capitalizing India's poverty. Many other Indians seem to agree- they are concerned, that at a time when India has attained such a high profile with enormous progress in every field and consistent economic growth, negative images such as those portrayed in the film would smear the “India Shining” image. Despite all those apprehensions however, as a non-resident Indian based in the USA, I am experiencing first hand that most of the Western audience here seems to have gleaned the real message which this film attempts to deliver, and they do not appear to be dwelling just on the extreme poverty and squalor that this film has portrayed in graphic details.

How come? Bollywood churns out nearly 1,000 mainstream films every year, some of them extraordinarily well-made, and several of them with rags-to-riches themes, but somehow it fails to resonate with Western audiences. Then how did this movie strike such deep chords in the hearts of the Western audience?

My opinion is that the honesty in this movie has hit a homerun in the minds of people around the world. A large part of the movie was filmed in Mumbai’s "Dharavi", the biggest slum in all of Asia- thousands on Indians live in slums, and still succeed- that is the truth, the reality, and this film sort of tells the world, “Look, we have nothing to hide- come see our spirit, and love us for who we are”. Because it was so openly, honestly, portrayed, it appeared that India had the confidence to rise above the concerns of exposing the dirty laundry to the world, and in my opinion this played a huge role towards enabling the Western audience to look beyond the abject poverty, mobs, corruption, religion-induced riots, the horrific child abuse, and focus on the actual message in the movie- one of optimism, hope, the struggle to survive against all odds, and the unyielding love for people that we truly care for.

On a personal note, this film has taught me a wonderful lesson. Although I loved the movie, I have to admit that owing to my lifelong inhibitions with “bathroom scenes” in movies, I initially found the "boy jumping into the well of poop" scene utterly disgusting, and assumed that my American friends too would be repulsed by it. However, my co-worker Kelly influenced a change in my heart when she said “I actually thought it was fantastic that the boy was willing to think outside the box to get his picture signed no matter what- even if it meant doing something completely gross”.

The true success of a movie of this stature is not in how many awards it ends up winning, nor how much it grosses at the box office ($50 Million so far) - the true mark of success will be in whether or not it becomes a catalyst in driving progessive thinking. Judging by responses of average citizens globally, there is every indication so far, that this movie might indeed become successful at achieving that goal.

Jai ho!

Interpreting Math test scores

For the longest time, people have pondered on the huge gap between Math scores of Asian children and their Western counterparts, especially those in America. What is it that makes the average Asian child so much better at Math? It is Genes? Geography? Climate? Diet? Culture?

Now Malcolm Gladwell has presented a revolutionary idea in his new book, "Outliers". His theory is that the answer lies in the difference between the numbering systems.

The Asian system of numbering is simple, transparent and intuitive, while the Western numbering system is irregular and confusing. For example, for numbers above twenty, we put the decade first and the unit number second (twenty-one, twenty-two), whereas for teens, we say the unit number first and then the tens (sixteen, seventeen). Even with that there is a huge inconsistency. We say fourteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, but not one-teen, two-teen, three-teen or five-teen- it is eleven, twelve, thirteen and fifteen. We say forty and sixty, where the words sound exactly like four and six, but then we do not say five-ty and two-ty- it is fifty and twenty. A child takes time to grasp all these inconsistencies, which begins their struggle with fundamental Math skills.

In China, Japan and Korea, the counting system is far more logical. 11 is ten-one, 12 is ten-two, 21 is two-tens-one and so on. Consistent, simple, easy to understand and easy to remember.

Mr. Gladwell theorizes that he regularity of the number system enables Asian children to do basic math functions much quicker in their heads. When an English speaking child is asked to add thirty-seven plus twenty-two, she converts the words to numbers in her head: 37+22, and then adds, to get 59. For an Asian child however, it is adding three-tens-seven and two-tens-two, and the necessary equation is right there, embedded in the sentence. No number translation is necessary- the answer if five-tens-nine, or 59.

Interesting theory. However I was surprised that Mr. Gladwell has limited his study of Asian students to China, Japan and Korea. What about India? It is no secret that the Indian kids routinely outperform their Western counterparts everywhere in the world in Math. Yet Indian children use the English counting system. I wonder how Mr. Gladwell would explain that discrepancy.

Millennials in the workforce

Recently I’ve been having many conversations with co-workers about the newest members of our workforce. We know them as Gen Y, Generation Next or Millennials. Born between 1980 and 1994, they dress unconventionally, behave unconventionally and have very unconventional expectations from the workplace.

They do not hesitate to express their opinion on any issue; they’re critical thinkers, and inclined to question everything. Their knack for independent thinking stems from the fact that their parents valued their opinions throughout their childhood and gave them choices, rather than making decisions for them. They do not place much emphasis on how and when the work gets done, just that it gets done, and are therefore likely to demand flexibility of work hours (some say they work best between 9 PM and 3 AM) and work locations. They work to live, not live to work, seek out careers that allow them to live the life they want, and are prone to switch back and forth between career, travel and education. They are amazingly at ease with a wide array of technology tools, and while they work well with collaborative leaders, they seem to suffer under more traditional, authoritarian leadership styles.

Millennials work best with short timelines, expect instant gratification, and often have a hard time accepting criticism in the workplace. Products of self-esteem-parenting, they are used to possessing unwavering confidence in their intellect and talent.

Many mature workers are confused, even irritated by these iPod-carrying, pants-sagging, gum-chewing new entrants to the corporate workforce. However, given that many of our new hires will come out of the Millennial pool, it is key to ask, how can we utilize their uniqueness to an advantage?

Are we praising our kids TOO much?

Are we hurting our children by praising them TOO much? How much is TOO much?

I grew up in a family where when I got a 95/100 in a test, my parents were pleased, but also asked where I had lost the 5 points. There was never excessive praise, and I had a sense of real achievement when I earned it . Today however, I see a paradigm shift in the way in which parents praise their children. A friend said the other day, that this is a "Good job Sara", "Attaboy Joey" generation- the smallest acts (not necessarily achievements) are praised...

Why do parents praise their children?

Many parents believe that building self-esteem should be the cornerstone of education. If children build up self-esteem and start believing in themselves, achievement will naturally follow. But confidence doesn’t always produce better students. In 2007 there was a study in which eighth graders in Korea and the United States were asked whether they were good at math. Among the American students, 39 percent said they were excellent at math, compared to just 6 percent of the Korean eighth graders. But the reality was somewhat different. The Korean kids scored far better in math than the over-confident American students. “Self-esteem is based on real accomplishments,” says Robert Brooks, faculty psychologist at Harvard Medical School. “It’s all about letting kids shine in a realistic way.”

The downside of too much praise is that kids may start to focus on the reward rather than what they are learning. Worse, failure can be devastating and confusing for a student whose confidence is based on an inflated ego, rather than actual abilities and achievements.